I don’t know if it’s the New Year, but I woke up today and I thought: I live here too. One of the reasons I’ve been so drained psychologically is that I’m continually trying to adjust to mum’s demands and needs. It is her house after all. But this morning I went out into the garage and began to unpack my books. At the moment, they are lying over the floor in the sun lounge, but tomorrow, hopefully they will get put onto the bookshelves.
My New Year’s resolution was to be more resolute. By that I mean, I must set my own boundaries. I must set timetables and goals, things I want to achieve each day – and not get sucked into the lazy acceptance of watching tv or just dithering around, waiting for her to get up, or the carer to come – or not feeling I can get out my possessions.
Mum has always been very controlling. When I was a kid I dealt with this by being ‘absent’, daydreaming or burying my nose in a book. Then I left home and kept my life private, ‘sharing’ as little as possible. Since I moved back here, I’ve been unconsciously following the same strategies. Burying my nose in a book or my computer but also, hesitating to unpack my things. When I go to someone’s house, I always study their bookshelves, to see what sort of person they are. I don’t want anyone doing that to me here!
But when I did get out my books, it was great, like meeting old friends again. And there are so many I haven’t actually read. I look forward to reading them all. And I’ve started a diary – so that I can differentiate the days; write down things I have achieved for myself, in spite of having to clean up all kinds of mess and having the same conversation over and over again!!
I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a positive 2015!