I am not in the mood for Xmas

A very dear friend of mine whom I’ve known since university, died early on Christmas Day. He’d been ill for a while and although I’d given up hope he would recover, I still hoped he’d be with us for a little while longer. But a few weeks ago it became clear this wasn’t going to be the case.

I was very frustrated that I couldn’t be part of his support network. I couldn’t stay with him or accompany him to any medical appointments. But my friend assured me he understood I had enough to do down here with mum. As his illness progressed, I tried to visit him once a month but always for a brief, rushed lunch before I had to get the train back here. And so, luckily, about a month ago, I decided to book mum into the care home to have a week in London and spend some quality time with my friend – as well as visiting my other pals. I was even deciding what book to buy him for a Christmas present. And then, he took a turn for the worse. I was even told I might not see him alive. In the event, I did. But there were no chats about books and theatre, no reminiscences about his much loved home in Mallorca. Instead I spent most of my visits holding his hand while he dozed. When it came time to return here, I said goodbye, quite certain I wouldn’t see him again. And indeed, he died a week later.

This is life. It’s a shock to lose a close friend but sad things happen to people all the time. However, I’m finding it very hard to cope with mum. Ever since it became clear that my friend wasn’t going to make it, I’ve been eaten alive with resentment. I can’t help it. I stare at her, as she sits munching chocolates and staring at the TV, oblivious to anyone else’s concerns except her own. While my dear friend, who was 25 years younger than she is, who was full of interest and enthusiasms, and full of generosity towards others, has reached the end of his life. And because of mum, I couldn’t go and help with his care.

I made my decision to ‘sacrifice’ my own time for mum. I felt it was the right thing to do. But now being here has impinged on something that touches me deeply.  I can’t help it. I’m sick with resentment and frustration.

And to cap it all it’s Xmas, which I usually quite enjoy but this year my heart just wasn’t in it. I had to go through the motions because, not only did I have to cope with mum, but my brother, his kids and the Great Granddaughter all came to visit on Boxing Day so I had to sort that out as well. And because I really don’t want to be here, and because I’m grief stricken and only want to curl up and watch soothing and undemanding TV, mum is driving me crazy. She’s becoming more confused, more forgetful, more demanding and I’m on edge and preoccupied and can hardly keep a civil tongue in my head as the saying goes. The fact that she keeps asking, over and over again ‘when is the funeral?’ ‘How old was he?’ ‘Does he have a brother?’ doesn’t help. Each times she asks, it’s like a knife has been stuck in my heart.

In spite of this, I wish you all a happy New Year. May it be full of health and good fortune. We’ll need it to deal with the debris left by 2016!

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7 thoughts on “I am not in the mood for Xmas

  1. What a lovely photo of Brian. My memories of him are forty years ago at university and then at Maclise Road. I know this will be a great loss for you and it will take some time to come to terms with it. It’s now a year since my brother died and I still miss him every day and wish so much I could talk to him. I’m afraid that never seems to go away but it will become softened with time.
    Sorry to hear of the difficulties you feel as a full time carer. You’ve already done a lot for your mother but you mustn’t let it destroy your life. There will come a time (probably sooner rather than later) when you will decide you have had enough and no-one will blame you.

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    • Thank you Pamela, and how strange I didn’t see this straightaway. It’s true, memories of Brian go back a long way and involve such a huge chunk of my life – not as much as for you with Michael, but still a lot. But I’m sure the shadow that surrounds me now, will pass and all the good memories will remain. Love Polx

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  2. Rest in peace, Brian. And Polly, you did your share to show your love and support for him – that’s all he needed. So go peacefully into this next year, mourning Brian but accepting what’s happened. And that you’re helping your Mum!

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  3. I’m sorry to only now be reading this, m’dear. My heart aches for yours, and I so wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. (((BIGHUG))) I’m glad you were able to visit him for a longer period of time; such a blessing. Some time has now passed, but grief has its own journey through each of us and I honor however that needs to be for you.

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